There are certain people you just keep going back to.

I frequently use songs to describe my life. I swear they write them about me!  Today its The Fray- All At Once. Wow, I mean really.

My mom is a smart, smart woman and what sucks is.....so is Matt. They both know me better than I know myself. That's no lie! Its hard to hide feelings when someone knows you like that! My mom can tell somethings wrong. I feel bad cause I get irritated that she asks, but I always think to myself how I have no one to talk to. I'm weird I guess. I just feel like there are somethings you shouldn't tell your mom. The story about getting thrown out of the bar by your husband......well, that's one of them! I, however, did not chose to tell that one. My sister took it upon herself. Matt saw me with other guys at the bar and came up to me and we got in an argument and he just pointed to me. I was gone. (Not that way. I was completely sober, and by that time PISSED) He has no right, anymore, to dictate who I hang out with. He knew I was coming there. He chose to stay. I should have just left. He came up to me several times throughout the night and I kept saying I had nothing to talk to him about. He wanted me to go outside very badly. He just wanted me away from other guys. Well, like I said, he is smart! He got what he wanted. He found a way to get me outside.

I say he's smart, but he is the one that let me go.

Why am I so complicated? Why is the hardest thing the right thing? Do I just make my life complicated or is that just everyone?

AHHHHH life.....

I just took this quiz and it really does describe me perfectly!

You Are An ENFP The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.
You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

BTDubs- I freakin adore the new Miley Cyrus song, 7 Things. I don't really care for the decisions she has made recently, but hey, she's young!! That song is so the way I feel about Matt.

Why is it I feel like my life is ruined? Why did I give him the power to ruin me? Why is it I feel like he is still mine, when I don't want him? Why is it I can look at a picture and want to cry, when I've been so strong for weeks? Why did my life turn out this way? WHY? Why did I put every FUCKING thing I had into making it work, and I got nothing in return? I got nothing. I leave this marriage broken and confused. I leave insecure and traumatized. I am messed up. I look at other girls and wonder how it is to be happy. What is a normal relationship like? Is there really someone out there who cares enough to see me through this? Who would want someone so torn? Who would want a 21 year old that is divorced with a 2 year old? Why would ANYONE want that? Is there a way to get over this without experiencing the pain? I know how bad its going to be, but I ignore it. I push it away. I don't act like someone who is going through a divorce. Why? How could anyone look at their child and not want to do ANYTHING in the entire world for them? How could someone look at a son they have created and not want to do whatever it took to make him happy? There is no doubt that married parents are whats best for a child. He knows this! His parents got divorced about 4 years ago and he still hurts. Why would you want to do that to someone else? Someone you care about, someone you created! Your own flesh and blood! I have anger and passion all at the same time. How can you feel love for someone who has made you feel hate? Why would I ever want to let anyone come close to me again? I let him in my heart, my soul. He broke it into a million pieces and then threw them so far that I don't even know where to start. Where is my heart? Where do I look? What am I supposed to do? How could you tell someone you fell out of love with them and then tell them a month later you will do anything to have another chance? How could you say those words? How could you? Can you even live with yourself? I am a good person. I love him. Why do I still love him?

My life is a mess. I haven't updated in almost a month. I don't know what I would've written. I'm too confused to even say what I'm thinking. My thoughts don't stay long enough for me to figure out if they even make sense. I moved back in with my parents. I decided I need that support, plus I can't afford my own place. Now that Matt has figured out I am serious and he has really messed up, he wants us back. He BEGS for another chance. BEGS. I wish I was over him. The word divorce scares me. Typing these words hurts me to my core. I truly thought I was done. I am still so sick of his shit. I'm over the way he's done me, but I'm not over him. I wish I didn't love him like I do. My heart tells me he is for real this time, but my head tells me RUN AWAY. I've fallen for this soooo many times. I've given him chance after chance to prove himself. The problem is, he is different. I can see it in him. He acts real. I want him to prove it though. He has an interview today for a good job. I think he will get it. Getting the job isn't his problem, its keeping it. He finds reasons to quit, but he's never been fired.
I don't know what it is, if its like the word is out that I'm about to be single, or I have vulnerable tattooed on my forehead, but I've been getting sooooo much attention from guys. (Just so you know I'm like the least cocky person you will ever meet) I've had 2 guys, not counting Matt, tell me they love me. They mean it too. I've dated both of these guys before and they were both great boyfriends. One of them has literally told me since I married Matt that if I ever got divorced he wanted to marry me. He called me the day he found out I was filing...in thanks to my best friend giving him my number. haha The other I recently saw at a bar and he got my number from a friend and called me the next day. I've really enjoyed the attention, mostly cause I've been so deprived from it for the last few years. The thing is, I've wanted and yearned for this attention from Matt. I've also had 4 guys tell me they would marry me and take care of Payton and I. Of course 2 of them are the ones that said they love me. It gives me confidence. I, for some reason, had convinced myself that no one would want a 21 year old with a 2 year old. I heard for so long that I was boring now and once you hear something for so long, you start to believe it. It makes me feel special. I am worth something. People actually like me for me.

I planned on filing tomorrow, cause I'm getting off work early, but now, I'm more confused than ever.

Today is our two year anniversary. I didn't even see his face last year; probably won't see him this year. I remember how I felt on this day two years ago. I was happy, excited, nervous. I also had a horrible gut feeling that I pushed away. I was young, in love, and thought it was just a natural feeling. Second guessing. This day depresses me a little bit.

As I lied awake last night I thought about posting. Its been 2 weeks and I honestly haven't been too busy to write, but I've been too scared. It is easier to live without telling the truth about how bad you're hurting inside. I've been doing that. I can't really lie in my own journal; I need to be true to myself. My life is not fun right now. I've decided to divorce my husband. Its really for the best. He told me he didn't love me anymore. I've never had anyone tell me that. Its a horrible, lonely, heartbreaking feeling. No matter how much you mentally prepare for those words they will still shock and destroy you. I've been telling myself I'm a great person. I have to, now, reassure myself that if he can't love ME he can't love anyone. He doesn't love himself and he probably never will. As much as I hate him now for ruining my life and MY son's life, I truly feel sorry for him. He is so going to regret this one day. He will never find someone that will put up with his SHIT like I did. I am afraid, if he lives to see 25, he will spend the rest of his life alone. Now on the whole living till he is 25 thing, I know he is into some serious drugs. I'm not sure what it is nor do I want to know, but they have taken priority over everything else. I always wondered in the back of my mind if he was involved with drugs, but the icing on the cake happened about 2 weeks ago. He called me at 11:30 on Saturday night and told me to cancel our debit card because he had just been robbed at gunpoint. He said he was at a CAR WASH...yes I know...and some guy just "ran up to the window" and stuck his gun in and told him to give him everything he had. His wallet, car keys and phone were gone. Ok my first question was....if you were at a car wash....why was your window rolled down? YEAH! He's just lost in this hugely tempting world. I have prayed about this for a looooong time and I'm afraid what I have to do is just let him fall. Fall so hard he doesn't know what hit him. Fall so long that he doesn't even know where he is. And fall so fast that he didn't even know he was falling. I have to do that to a person I have once cared about more than myself. I loved him despite what he did to me. I loved him for EXACTLY who he was. He is not that person anymore. Matt Harper is not Matt Harper anymore. He is different, in the worst way possible. Remember the "EXPLOSION" post where I said he would fail every class? I was right. He flunked, miserably. I think he even had a 31 AVERAGE in one class. I don't really know if he will ever recover from this hole he has dug and jumped so flamboyantly into. I have to watch in despair as he ruins his life. I know I can recover. I do love myself. I know that I have truly tried everything to make this marriage work, and it just wasn't enough. Marriage doesn't work when only one person is trying. I know, in my heart, that I am doing the right thing with my life. I will be someone. I can go to sleep at night without feeling guilty, because I know I didn't do anything wrong. I put every ounce of energy and passion I had into this relationship. I gave him a son, a miracle, and he doesn't realize that is what Payton is. He doesn't see this absolutely perfect person that loves him for who he is. Payton loves him as much as I love him.  What is sad is that Payton won't remember this. He won't grow up knowing his "real" dad. I will remarry and that man WILL be an amazing dad to Payton. My standards are much much much higher than they were 4 years ago. I am looking for a father to my son, my miracle. I will find a man that will be everything Payton needs in a father. Payton deserves more than Matt. Matt is/was just a sperm donor to me. He was never Payton's dad, only his biological father.  You know, I didn't want my life to turn out like this. I'm one of those people that don't believe in divorce. I HATE how the world has made divorce as an escape to any minor squabble in a marriage. GOD HATES DIVORCE. He said it himself. I struggle with that thought every second of every minute. I NEVER want to do something God hates. I don't have an excuse for what I'm doing. I don't think there is one. I will have to live with the fact that I have sinned. I know he will forgive me, as soon as I ask for it. I don't think I can make this right. I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready to find love. I want to find someone who loves me. The love that I have longed for my whole life. I want someone who wants to be around and appreciates what I have been through. I know God has made someone just for me, and as much as I wanted it to be, its not Matt. It never was. 

I have been super oober busy lately. With finals coming up and the job fair 2 days ago...I've been swamped. I work at a placement service so we had 15 bazillion resumes that I put off still haven't had the time to set up. I had a Calculus test Monday and I've been trying to stay on top of my community service.

My life is so crazy. My mother-in-law, Kelly, sat me down Monday night and told me she "needed to talk to me about something". That is never good. She said she still hasn't found anyone to rent her condo (she owns it) and she offered it to me. She said if I could just pay the expenses it was all mine. That's right, mine. Mine does not include Matt. She doesn't see him getting his crap together anytime soon, so whenever the subject comes up, she pushes me to 'just think about what is best for yourself and Payton'. That is sad. She and Matt's father divorced about 3 years ago and I think she just sees Matt's dad's qualities in Matt. (Which scares the poo outta me. Matt's dad is not anything I want in a husband. Well, I could live with his money. haha) Kelly doesn't want me to go through the heartache of making it through the hard times just so your husband can trade you in for a younger model when he gets rich. Wow, did I just say that? She cares for me and I respect that. She knows what its like to be shunned by your in-laws for NO reason. I know she wouldn't do that to me. This is a really hard decision for me. Do I put all I have into living on my own and barely being able to pay my bills? Or, do I go back to my so very supportive family that would help me make it through without making me pay for anything? OR, do I stick it out with Matt? (He came home Monday night and he claims he is here to stay and make it work....no matter what. I've heard this crock of sh*t before and I hope I'm not falling for it.) Decisions decisions.

All of my posts lately have been so drab. I've been constantly bitching explaining how horrible my husband is and no one likes to hear that. I will say though that he hasn't been staying there and we haven't really been around each other for the last week. His mom told me to "start thinking about myself". That is sad. Ok, I'm done.

I love love love my some American Idol. Yes, I am one of those groupies that watches every night and votes. David Cook is absolutely amazing. I wish I could buy him off Ebay and make him sing me to sleep every night. One thing I ALWAYS said when I was younger was "My husband has to be able to sing." I'm a loser for letting that standard fall by the wayside. That hair he rocks and that deep sexy voice... OH EM GEE!!! If he doesn't win I will cry. Another show that is incredibly trashy and I still love....Rock of Love II. hahahaha Daisy is so dang fake and NOT pretty at all. (Ok maybe from your tattooed neck down) Those lips and extensions gotta go. Amber deserved to win...well she deserved better than Bret. He is kinda hot. I said KINDA!

My son is amazing. He is so cute, strong-willed, and really smart. I forget he copies every move I make and when I see him do what I do...I just have to smile. I love the thought of him copying me. Yesterday, after I realized I was locked out of my own apt, I sat down at the door and started to pout. I put my purse and my keys on the ground. Payton picked up my keys, got them situated where only one was sticking out and then he reached up and put it to the doorknob. Tell me that ain't cute. I know he was thinking "Ok, mom. Here is what you do." When we got inside I was cooking supper and I reached over and put a paper towel in the trash. He picked up the empty milk carton and shoved it in the trash. I couldn't help but smile. He just warms my heart. The simplest things make my entire day. That is most likely cause the rest of it sucks so it doesn't take much to make it better! He is so inspirational.

I have a really big heart. That is something that I really like about myself, but it really hurts sometimes. I fall in love really easily. I don't really mean the kind of love you love a boyfriend with. I mean like I feel like I love strangers sometimes. I think its just a Godly love....like a brother-sister love. I literally cried last night after talking with someone at H-E-B. I was standing on the cleaning isle and trying to decide what kind of scrub brush I wanted. Every decision I make is hard! A guy walked up, who I assumed was my age, and he had been completely burned. His entire body was scarred. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I saw him. I don't like when I can't do anything about stuff and I just wanted to reach out to him and hug him for 17 minutes. I mean really think about it...he was BURNED! Can you imagine the pain he experienced and now the humiliation he has? I know people probably stare at him and I can't imagine how hard it is for him to go out in public. I hope he is proud of himself and I hope he doesn't feel that way, but I know I would struggle with that. I totally respect this guy, because he was wearing a Navasota Fire Dept shirt. He sacrificed his body to save someone or something else. That is total selflessness. When he walked up I immediately wanted to talk to him. I wanted to make him feel important. ( I sound like I think I'm above this guy and in NO way do I mean that...I just think about if I was him and the feelings I would have about my appearance. Please don't think I mean it in a bad way) I asked his opinion on what kind of brush I should get. He was so sweet and told me he thought I needed a handle cause when you scrub the bathtub "you really get into it" so, of course, I walked away with the brush he picked out. I got home and he still continued to consume my thoughts. When Matt got home I just cried to him and told him what I had seen. It still hurts me. I am completely healthy and so fortunate for the blessings God has decided to give me. I take them for granted every second. Why not me? Why haven't I had to experience such tragedy? People every day lose children and parents, siblings and even lose hope for their own lives and I am so lucky to not have gone through anything like that. My heart goes out to all the grieving people. Just know that I pray for you and I truly love you. God loves you and wants the very best for you. All you have to do is accept His grace. 

Have you ever had that feeling that something just isn't right? I have that feeling every single minute of my life. No exaggeration. My marriage is NOT right. We can't get along for anything and you know what his way of fixing things is? Running away. He just leaves and stays gone. I can't deal with this. I want out. I just want to run away. If I could afford it I would move out of town and live by myself. Payton and me and nothing else. The only reason I even stay married to him is because of Payton. I can't stand the thought of having to 'share' my son. MY son. I would die every weekend he was gone. I honestly don't think I could handle it...and I can handle A LOT! Matt does nothing to help me. I do everything where Payton is concerned, besides the occasional bath. (and that is only if there is not some kind of sporting event on tv...so NEVER) I feed him, change him, bath him, take him to and from daycare, play with him, put him to bed, read to him...EVERYTHING. I don't want to make it sound like I resent that because I would stay at home and spend every second of my time with Payton if I could, but I can't afford it. I don't think its fair that Matt gets the "easy" part of being a dad- and I use the word dad very loosely. Matt just watches him play and laughs with him. That doesn't even count! Its just a huge mess. That is all it is. A horrible marriage tied together by a weakening string of left over love and a perfect child. How did we get here? I know it isn't right to keep myself unhappy because I know sooner or later, it will become very unhealthy for Payton. Kids figure stuff out like that and Matt and I...we aren't good fakers. That is one thing I'm not and never will be, fake. I want a life that people are jealous of. I want that husband that is PROUD to be my husband and hates when I'm gone. I don't have that. I think he is embarrassed of what his life has become. He plays the 'I still want to be 20' card waaaaaaaaaay too much. When do I draw the line? Well, the sad thing is, I think I drew a line a long time ago before I met Matt and then my morals and expectations lowered. Now...I'm so far away from the line that its going to take me a while just to clean up the mess I left when I crossed it. Does that even make sense to you? I need a drink...and a good friend.